Tuesday, Nov. 13, 2007
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I'm feeling like things have kinda gone to the shit, in my head anyway.
I am smoking way too much pot (why? WHY?). Although living with Sheldon is wonderful, I can't help but feel that we bring each other down. If one of us is on track, the other is hanging out for cones. We unfortunately have another dealer now who lives just down the road. It's amazing how smart an addiction can be - without even concentrating on it we know each others weaknesses and can see when there's an opportunity to pounce and ask if the other wants to score. We have no money all the time because of this.
I've been struggling to get to work so I just haven't been much. I hate where my life is at and another year has passed and here I still am.
I feel like I need some sort of breakthrough.
I still haven't met my father. We were organised to meet the Friday before last but I cancelled at the last minute. I guess I'm just really angry and simply don't want to see him yet. At first it was just exciting and I guess relieving that I'd finally found him. But it is strange after having so much anger and confusion for such a long time with nowhere at all to direct it, then all of a sudden there is a person who is completly responsible for all those feelings and I want to direct the SHIT out of them, all to him.
Things with the older sister are going really well though. We're emailing alot and plan to meet up for a drink when she gets back from schoolies.
Other than that I think I'm just feeling really confused. Just the standard "what am I going to do with my life" shit. When am I going to know? I'm feeling snowed under. How can someone with as lame a life as me feel snowed under?
There's so many different things I could do next year. I'm pretty much 95% sure I won't get into uni and to be honest really hope I don't. When am I going to stop doing this? Is it just me being scared?? I don't feel scared. We have to move out of this house sometime early next year and I must say it's really bringing me down. On one hand I can't wait to get a flat, and it'll be great having my own place, and living back in the city. On the other hand how the fuck am I going to do that? With my pathetic job and financial skills, I'm really going to be able to live alone in a flat?
I want to go back to India and do the yoga course, I want to go to Peru or Costa Rica and spend 3 months in a fishing village learning Spanish and helping kids, I want making clothes and bags and scarves to go from a hobby to something more, I want so much and feel like I'm unable to do anything because I'm such a shit cunt who's not willing to put effort into any facet of life, I just have no idea what to do about anything and I feel like I'll never be on top of things.